Cooking Lessons
by DarkAlliGator
Summary: L gets bored, and decides to try something new... cooking! Needless to say, it doesn't go as planned. And what happens when all the Wammy's boys decide they want a go as well?
1. Fairy Cakes

"Watari?" L said. He was bored, he had nothing to do. So, he was going to try something new.

"Yes Ryuzaki?" asked Watari. L stared at him.

"Well... there's something I'd like to learn to do." Now he had actually got round to asking, it didn't seem like such a good idea... Watari smiled.

"What would that be then? We can get someone to teach you if you need it."

"No, Watari. I'd like _you _to teach me. I think you'll find that it's something you're best at." Watari was intrigued.

"What would that be then?" L swallowed.

"Cooking. I'd like you to teach me to cook, please."

L followed Watari into the kitchen. Unfamiliar sights greeted him; he had never cooked in his life. Somehow, this thought made him nervous.

"I think fairy cakes are probably the best thing to cook for a beginner," said Watari. L agreed. L liked fairy cakes. L liked fairy cakes a lot. Watari pulled down a battered recipe book, and found the page for fairy cakes.

"So... these are the ingredients. The first instruction is to mix the butter and sugar together, so weigh them out first. Here they are." Watari handed L a bag of sugar and a tub of butter. L weighed out the butter.

"Um... don't I need a bowl to put it in?" He asked.

"Oh! Sorry, I forgot." Watari turned round and looked in a cupboard for a suitable bowl. Immediately, L's eyes were drawn to the bag of sugar. Absentmindedly, he dipped a finger in it and licked it off. _Mmm..._ He glanced over to Watari. His back was still turned. Stealthily, L reached for a teaspoon...

When Watari turned round, the majority of the sugar had mysteriously disappeared. L put the butter in the bowl and began to weigh out what was left of the sugar. There wasn't enough.

"Watari? I need more sugar." Watari walked over to the bag.

"There's not enough?" L shook his head. "Strange..." Watari murmured. "I'm sure that bag started off full." L looked innocent. Watari sighed and looked in the cupboard for another bag of sugar. When he had retrieved it, there was a distinct lack of sugar on the scales.

"Ryuzaki! You can't make cakes if you keep eating the ingredients!" L paused, a teaspoon of sugar still stuck in his mouth. He removed it.

"Sorry. I didn't realise I'd eaten that much. It only felt like a little bit. I'll stop eating it now." He weighed out the sugar once again, Watari watching him _very closely _to make sure no more sugar vanished.

None did, and after the sugar had been weighed out L tipped it into the bowl and mixed it with the butter. He stared longingly at the mixture. Watari sighed.

"I guess you can try a tiny bit of that." Instead of delicately dipping a finger in as Watari expected him to, L spooned out a huge chunk of butter and sugar mixture with the wooden spoon, and shoved it into his mouth. Watari groaned, mentally kicking himself.

"Ryuzaki!" L looked at him, busy licking the spoon clean.

"Hmm? You said I could have a bit."

"Yes, but I didn't mean that much! You've practically eaten half a cake there! And you need that wooden spoon to mix the rest of the ingredients!" L looked at it.

"What's bad about that? I mean, I get why the eating half a cake bit is bad, but what's wrong with using this spoon?" Watari stared at him.

"Well... it's got your spit on it now. When you mix the other ingredients you'll be mixing the spit into it as well." L looked confused.

"Is that it? I have spit in my mouth anyway. It doesn't matter if I eat cakes with my own spit in them. If it was somebody else's spit, that would be different but as it is my own spit I don't see what the problem is." Watari groaned. Again. This was turning into a nightmare. No wonder some of L's previous teachers had run out of the classroom screaming.

"But what if somebody else wants to eat your cakes? Then they'll be eating your spit."

"But who is here to eat them apart from me? I know you don't like cakes."

"I..." Watari had no reply to that. Why did L have to be so good at arguing? "Well, OK. Use that spoon if you want." It probably didn't matter anyway... probably...

Next to go in was the eggs. L looked up at Watari questioningly.

"So, I just crack them on the edge of the bowl and let the inside fall into the bowl?" Watari nodded. "But what if I get shell in the bowl?"

"You could always pick it out. Or, if it's a tiny bit- leave it. It won't matter if it's too tiny." L nodded and brought the egg down on the side of the bowl. It cracked, and the egg fell in. So did half of the shell.

"Oops," L muttered and reached in to take it out. He removed it, but there were still small chunks of shell left.

"Watari..." Watari came to inspect the damage.

"It's not too bad. Just leave them. They're too small to make a difference."

"But, I don't like eggshell! It doesn't taste good!"

"You won't be able to taste it. The pieces are too small." Nonetheless, L wanted to get them out. He reached into the bowl, but the pieces kept slipping away from him. Eventually, he gave up. But now he had cake mixture all over his fingers, and some of this had dropped onto his shirt. His lovely _white _shirt.

"Ugh... I've got cake mixture on my shirt!" He grabbed some kitchen roll and attempted to remove it. The majority came off, but it left a stain. "Aww... that sucks..." He gave up trying to remove it and began mixing the eggs instead. Watari watched, this time with amusement.

"Rule number one, L. Never wear white while cooking." L scowled, and absently picked up the eggshell, twiddling it between his fingers. _Crunch._ L looked down at the crushed eggshell in the bowl.

"Damn!"

The rest of the ingredients went in without any major disasters. Finally, the cake mixture was finished.

"_DON'T _eat it," said Watari, as he went to get the cake cases out of the cupboard. L was ecstatic. He had actually managed to make cake mixture without _too_ many disasters! Now he just had to put it in the cases and cook it, and that was the easy part. How difficult could it be?

"Hmm..." Watari said as he surveyed the mess L had made when spooning the mixture into the cases. Only about half of it had actually gone in; the rest of it was all over the table. And all over L's clothes. He picked at his now filthy shirt.

"I made a little bit of a mess," he said, stating the obvious. "I may need to go and change." Watari stared at him.

"Yes, you do that. I'll put them in the oven. Remember, come back in 15 minutes to check them. You can spend that time doing whatever you want. Just DON'T FORGET." L nodded and headed out of the room. Watari put the cakes in the oven, wondering if it was a good idea to trust L to remember them. Well, they _were _L's cakes, after all. Watari wiped his sweating brow. He hoped L wouldn't try this again.

After L had got changed, he wondered what to do with his 15 minutes and decided it would be best spent playing games on the internet. Well, he had nothing else to do. He was engrossed in this one game- quite tricky really- when he heard a noise. _Beep beep. Beep beep._

"Strange," L muttered. "That's the smoke alarm." He froze as he realised what that meant.

Smoke.

Something burning.

Cakes burning?

"Ah, damn!" He sprinted out of the room. The computer bleeped and he looked back at it.

GAME OVER was displayed on the screen.

"AHHH!" _I was doing so well..._

L sprinted past Watari's room to the kitchen. Watari opened the door.

"Ryuzaki! You forgot the cakes, didn't you?" L didn't reply, bursting into the kitchen. The room was filled with smoke.

"Damn!" Coughing, L ran over to the oven and put the oven gloves on. He wrenched open the door to the oven and yanked the cakes out. A blackened mess greeted his eyes.

"Oh... I burnt the cakes..." Watari came over to look.

"Yes, you did. They look pretty burnt to me."

"Maybe they don't taste as bad as they look..." L picked a lump off one of them and put it in his mouth. He coughed and spat it out.

"Watari?"

"Yes, Ryuzaki?"

"I don't think I should try cooking again."


	2. Washing Up

_This was originally a one-shot... but since I wrote it, I've thought of (and experienced!) so many more culinary disasters I could write in! So, it's gonna be a short chapter fanfiction instead. Maybe 5 or 6 chapters? I don't know at this point. This chapter is for you, Luulasnightmares for suggesting this to me ages ago! (You probably don't remember, but hey.) _

_..._

"Well, you know what you have to do now?" Watari asked. L looked blank, then stared, horrified at Watari as a horrible thought hit him. No. Surely Watari wouldn't make him do _that_!

"No, what _do _I have to do?" He asked innocently, hoping with all his heart that Watari wasn't thinking what he was thinking. Unfortunately, it seemed Watari was.

"I would have thought that was obvious! You've got to wash up, of course!" Watari laughed. L looked glumly at the mess he had made. How on Earth had he managed to get cake mixture on the _ceiling?_

"But Watari," he protested. "I can't wash up! I need to work on this case..." Watari stared at him.

"You had enough time to _cook _the cakes, and now you need to tidy up. Anyway, I thought you were bored."

"But..." L protested, but Watari was already at the door.

"Have fun!" He called, and shut the door. L stared at the devastation. There was _no way _he was gonna clean that up!

He waited for a couple of minutes until he was sure that Watari was gone, and then walked over to the door. It was locked. He should have known Watari wouldn't let him go that easily. Well, there was always the window. He walked over to it, judging the size. He was skinny; he should be able to get through without too much difficulty. He opened the window and looked down. The only problem was the huge drop. L groaned.

"Why does the kitchen have to be on the third floor?" He started looking round the kitchen for something he could use as a rope. He was getting out of this kitchen, no matter what.

In the end, he had to improvise. He had found several tea towels and had tied them together to create a makeshift rope. It didn't look quite long enough, so he removed his shirt and tied that on too. That would have to do. He dangled the rope out of the window, testing the length. It didn't quite reach the ground, but it went down far enough for him to be able to drop safely once he reached the end. He tied the end with his shirt on to the latch on the window, swallowed, and carefully climbed out of the window and began his descent, hoping the knots would hold. They held, but when L was nearly at the bottom he heard an ominous tearing sound. He looked up, trying to see what was going wrong. Then, the rope broke and he fell, landing on his face.

"Umph!" Oh well. At least he had made it out of the kitchen. He stood up, and looked at the rope to see what had gone wrong. He let out a cry of distress when he saw what had happened.

"My _shirt!" _His shirt had been torn in half. It was beyond repair. He walked over to it, shivering. It was the middle of winter, snowing, and he was outside with no shirt on. He was _freezing. _He tried to comfort himself. All he would have to do was sneak back inside without Watari catching him and find another shirt. Simple!

"Nice try, Ryuzaki!" L turned round slowly, dreading what he was going to see. Sure enough, Watari was standing right behind him with a water pistol.

"I wondered if you'd use the window. Now, I suggest you get back inside before I squirt you. You look pretty cold!" L shivered miserably and made his way back to the door. He didn't want to get squirted. He was cold enough already.

Once again, L was pushed into the kitchen. He had been allowed to find another shirt, and then taken straight to the kitchen.

"Now, clean up!" L was too miserable to respond, and Watari's face softened.

"If you wash up, I'll buy you a lollipop," he promised. It was like making bargains with a small child, really. L shook his head. A lollipop evidently wasn't enough to make L do this.

"A bag of sugar?" Another shake of the head.

"A tin of golden syrup?" L shook his head again. Watari felt bad about this. But he really, _really _didn't want to clean L's mess up.

"Bye," he said, locking the door behind him.

L sighed miserably. At the moment, it looked as if there would be no escape. He looked at the table, covered in cake mixture, and his resolve strengthened. He was not gonna clean that up no matter what. He knew that Watari was guarding the window, so the only other method of exit was the door. You don't need a key to open a door if you know how. L didn't, but he was sure he could figure it out.

"But wait," he muttered to himself. Watari probably knew that he wasn't going to try the window again. What if he was waiting outside the door instead? Equally, however, he could be thinking that L would have figured that out and be guarding the window instead. L knew that he had a 50% chance of getting caught. He pressed his face to the lock, peering through the keyhole. He couldn't see anyone, but that didn't mean Watari wasn't there. If he was, he would know that L would be looking so he'd be hiding. L crossed to the window and looked out as far as he could see. No-one.

Then, L realised his mistake. Stupid, stupid! There was a camera in the kitchen! He had known it was there, so why didn't he realise that Watari must be in the computer room watching him? He reached up for the camera and disconnected the wires. That should do it. However, Watari would have seen what he'd done and now would be going to guard either the door or the window. So, he still had the same problem. Unless he could find a way out that Watari would not expect. He surveyed the room. There were two obvious ways out. But who said he had to exit the room horizontally? He could always go down... or up. He glanced at the ceiling. It was made up of tiles. Maybe it was the sort that you could push up?

L stood, wobbling, on a stack of chairs that he had placed on the small table, which was on a slightly larger table, which he had somehow heaved up onto the worktop. He was trying desperately not to overbalance. He reached up, and his fingers brushed the ceiling. Damn! Still not tall enough. Why did the damn ceiling have to be so high? He looked around the room for something he could use to get himself even higher, and his eyes fell on the microwave. He smiled. Perfect. However, the problem was how to get down?

After five minutes, L decided that the least risky way to get down was actually to jump. As long as he didn't knock his tower on the way down, he should be fine. He walked as far as he could without tipping the tower over, and judged the distances. He would have to jump, duck to avoid hitting the ceiling and bring his legs up to prevent knocking the tower over. He crouched, closed his eyes and jumped. His head slammed into the ceiling, and one of his feet caught the stack of chairs. He hit the floor, groaning, and looked up in time to see the chairs falling towards him. There was a loud crash as they hit.

"OW!" He yelped, and lay still for a few seconds. That really hurt. Suddenly, he wished he had left the camera intact so he could pretend to be unconscious so Watari would come running. But too late now. He pushed the chairs off and got up slowly, bruised and battered. No matter. He was _not _going to let Watari win. Anyway, the tower could be rebuilt. He unplugged the microwave and began rebuilding the demolished tower.

Watari froze as he heard a loud crash from the kitchen. What on Earth was L _doing _up there? Maybe he should go check. He didn't want L to end up killing himself, after all. He got to his feet and walked towards the kitchen.

L wobbled triumphantly on his tower. He had done it. Watari would have no clue where he was until he came in the kitchen and saw the tower. And by then, L would be long gone. He grinned.

"Sorry, Watari. Looks like _you'll _have to clean up this time." He pushed the ceiling tile up. It stayed where it was. L stared. What? But it _had to_ go up! Or all this would have been for nothing! He hammered at the ceiling tile desperately. It refused to budge. All the hammering was causing the tower to wobble ominously. L didn't care. He had built the tower, he was going to get past that stupid ceiling tile! It was then that the kitchen door opened.

Watari stared in horror.

"Ryuzaki!" L looked down, which was a mistake. The tower wobbled, then began to tip. L threw himself at the other side of the tower, desperately trying to stop it without effect. Watari could only stare in horror as the tower fell down towards him.

_CRASH!_


	3. Cheesecake

_I doubt she'll be reading this since she's not a fanfiction person, but this chapter is for Izzy! (And if you __**are **__reading this, yes, I am taking your cheesecake incident!) Remember, there are other ways to ruin things than burning!_

_..._

L and Watari had agreed to never talk about the washing up incident ever again. After L had recovered from his concussion and Watari's broken finger had healed, it was back to business as normal. But after a week or two, L became bored again. There just wasn't anything to do. And, stupid as it sounded, he actually wanted to cook something again. It didn't have to be fairy cakes. Maybe he was just not very good at cooking fairy cakes in particular. For all he knew, he could be fantastic at cooking. Just not fairy cakes.

L braced himself as he knocked on Watari's door. Hopefully Watari would understand.

"Yes?"

"Um... Watari?" Watari looked at him suspiciously. The last time L had used that tone of voice, it had ended up with a huge mess in the kitchen, a broken microwave, a concussion, a broken finger and several assorted cuts and bruises.

"Yes, Ryuzaki? Spit it out." He asked. L gulped.

"I know you're probably going to say no, but... I'd like another try please. At cooking, I mean."

"RYUZAKI! I can't believe you're even considering that! Remember what happened last time?" L smirked.

"We agreed not to talk about that. And anyway," he added, serious again. "It might just be fairy cakes I'm not very good at. We could try something different, something that won't make a mess and doesn't require cooking so it can't get burnt."

"But... I don't want a repeat of last time!"

"It won't be a repeat because we won't be cooking the same thing. And anyway, I promise that if I _do _make a mess this time I will clean it up myself and not make a fuss about it." L promised. Watari looked at him suspiciously.

"How do I know you won't refuse to clean up?"

"Um... you'll have to trust me."

Watari groaned.

"Fine. We'll make strawberry cheesecake. But if there's even one speck of mess, _you _will be cleaning it up." L nodded earnestly.

"The first thing you need to do is make the base." L watched as Watari removed a pack of plain digestive biscuits from a cupboard. "Weigh these out." L weighed them. They didn't have any chocolate on them, so he didn't even consider eating them. Once he had weighed them, he turned to Watari.

"So now what?"

"Now, crush the biscuits." L stared at him.

"_Crush _them? Are you sure?"

Watari sighed. "Yes, Ryuzaki. Crush them." L shrugged and tipped the biscuits out onto the table, before getting a rolling pin and rolling it over the biscuits. Once they were sufficiently ground up, he spread the crumbs around the table with his hands. Watari turned round and saw what he was doing.

"Ryuzaki! Stop!" He yelled.

"But you told me to crush them!"

"Not on the table! How are you going to put that in the mixture? And why were you spreading them around like that anyway?" L looked confused.

"But I thought you spread crushed biscuits on the table to stop stuff sticking there!"

Watari groaned. Again. "For a start, Ryuzaki, that's flour you do that with, not crushed biscuits! Where on earth did you get that idea from?" L shrugged.

"I knew you had to spread _something _on the table to stop stuff sticking, and when you asked me to crush the biscuits I assumed it was crushed biscuits."

"..." Watari was speechless. Again. He found his voice. "Well, never mind, just leave them there for now, I suppose... anyway, now we need to melt some butter." He handed L a tub of butter. It was very cold.

"Has this been in the freezer?" L asked. Watari nodded.

"We only had frozen stuff, but we're going to be melting it anyway so it shouldn't matter. Weigh it out."

L stuck a knife in to scoop out a lump of butter. It went in fine, but unfortunately it didn't want to come out. L yanked at the knife.

"Watari..." Watari came over and tried to remove the knife. It was stuck. He groaned.

"I guess we'll have to wait until it's defrosted a bit." He turned to get the next ingredient out, and L had an idea. He picked up the butter, still with the knife stuck in it, and put it in the shiny new microwave they had bought to replace the one he had broken. He pressed a few buttons, and the microwave switched on. Watari heard the sound and turned round.

"Ryuzaki! You don't put metal in a microwave! Or butter!"

"Well, why not?" His question was answered when a blue flash emitted from the microwave. He jumped back in shock, then ran and pressed the "stop" button.

"_That's _why you don't put metal in a microwave!" Watari groaned. "I hope you haven't broken this one too." He pressed a button, and the door opened. L removed the butter, and pulled the knife out.

"See? It _was _a good idea after all!" He pronounced. Watari pointed at the actual butter.

"No it wasn't." L looked down, and saw that the butter had totally melted. All of it.

"Oh..." He shrugged. "Well, that saves us the bother of melting it in a saucepan!"

Watari sighed and removed the butter from L's hands, placing it on the table next to the breadcrumbs. He then tested the microwave. Sure enough, it was broken. He groaned. Meanwhile, L was weighing out the liquid butter. He had actually managed to get himself a bowl to mix the butter and breadcrumbs in, and was sweeping the breadcrumbs off the table into the bowl.

"That's the second microwave you've destroyed in two we..." Watari stared at L. He was mixing the two ingredients together, and he _wasn't making a mess! _He stood there, silently, waiting for L to finish. When he had finished, he turned to Watari.

"So now what do I do?" Watari could only stare. There was no mess,_ anywhere! _

"Watari?" Watari snapped out of it.

"Um, yes. Now..." he consulted the recipe book, "you can start blending the strawberries." He watched L walk over to the blender, and a sudden worry struck him.

"And don't forget to put the lid on the blender!" Of course, L wasn't listening.

L tipped the chopped strawberries into the blender, and searched for the lid. He couldn't find it, so he shrugged. If he put the blender on a low enough speed, it should be alright. He looked at the confusing knobs and dials on the blender. It looked like... that one should control the speed. He turned it completely to the left. That should be alright. Then, he plugged the blender in and switched it on.

The first thing Watari thought when he was hit with sticky red stuff was _Oh my God, L's got his hand stuck in the blender. _Then he realised it was strawberry.

"RYUZAKI! I told you to put the lid on!" L was sitting there, covered in strawberry. He licked his fingers absently, looking like some insane serial killer covered in blood (_A/N Beyond Birthday! :D)_.

"Oops. Sorry, I didn't hear you. Plus, the stupid blender has its dials the wrong way round. I thought I was turning the speed down." He looked at the ruined kitchen.

"Well, we've got this far so we may as well carry on." Watari groaned and sat down.

"Are you alright, Watari?" L asked, concerned.

"I'm fine. Please, continue."

Eventually, L had managed to blend some more strawberries (with the lid on the blender this time), and mix them with the whipped cream. Now all that was left to add was the cheese. He looked in the fridge, and removed one packet of cream cheese. He tipped it in, and mixed it with the other ingredients. Watari stood up, feeling slightly amazed.

"Well, now all you have to do is put the base into the dish and put the mixture on top..." he faltered as he remembered that L was not the best person to trust to put things accurately in a dish. "Actually, I'll do that bit if you want. And then we'll put it in the fridge for a while." L agreed.

Watari frowned as he picked up the packet of cream cheese on the table. There was something funny about it... he turned it over, and the words "LOW FAT" caught his eye. He groaned, horrified. All that effort... for nothing! It wouldn't work with low fat cheese!

L and Watari looked at the cheesecake. It wasn't exactly solid. L pushed the dish, and the mixture slopped in the dish, some of it going over the edge. L looked at Watari.

"It's not meant to be like that, is it?" Watari put his head in his hands. He didn't have the heart to tell L he'd used the wrong kind of cheese. Maybe if L realised he was just rubbish at cooking generally, he'd stop. There was just one thought that cheered him up. He looked at L.

"You promised to clean this up!"


	4. Jam

_Just a quick little note here: If you don't know who B is, a) READ THE LOS ANGELES BB MURDER CASES (it's really good!) and b) I'll just say now that he likes strawberry jam like L likes his sweets. And yes, this is relevant to this chapter. I stuck him in because... well, cos he's awesome and I didn't have any other ideas! _

_..._

B smiled evilly, watching L reluctantly clean up the mess he had made. So, the great L was rubbish at cooking? Of course, B knew that L would never admit being rubbish at anything, and he intended to take full advantage of this fact. This was going to be so much fun...

"Hey there Ryuzaki." B walked up to L, still smiling. L looked back at him, not smiling. He was in a bad mood. The cleanup had taken him the majority of the day, and the way B was looking at him made him suspect he was up to something. He had that slightly predatory expression that generally meant he was stirring up trouble.

"Hello B. Can I help you at all?" L asked politely.

"Well, you see, I have nothing to do, and I've run out of jam. I've thought of something that would kill two birds with one stone, only I need your assistance."

"What are you thinking of, B?" L was immediately suspicious. B _never _asked him for help.

"We have strawberries in the kitchen, do we not? And sugar?"

"Yes...?" L hoped that B was not going to say what he thought he was going to say. He did.

"I thought that maybe we could attempt to make some strawberry jam ourselves. It would save me a long trip to the shop, and you look like you have nothing to do. I think it would be... entertaining." _For myself,_ B added silently. L didn't know what to do. The sensible thing to do would be to refuse B's offer, but if he did that B would certainly become suspicious. And the last person he wanted to know about how bad he was at cooking was B.

"Why not ask someone else, B? Maybe ask A, or Near or Watari..."

"They're all busy. You don't seem very enthusiastic about my idea, Ryuzaki. Whyever not? Surely you can cook?" He said this with a sly smile.

"Of course I can cook!" L snapped, then stopped as he realised he had just shouted. "And I'd be happy to help you, but..."

"Oh, so you _will _help me then? Thank you ever so much. Let's go then." B interrupted, stopping L from making any excuses.

"But I..."

"But nothing. Come on Ryuzaki!"

B entered the kitchen, still smiling. L entered behind him, looking depressed.

"B, do you actually know how to make jam?" He asked, still desperately trying to back out of it. Watari had banned him from the kitchen, and if he was caught in here he was in big trouble. Luckily Watari was out, but he could come back at any time.

"That is what recipe books are for, Ryuzaki." B pulled down a heavy book, and dropped it. It landed on a china teapot, smashing it to pieces.

"Whoops."

"B! That's Watari's teapot! He's going to kill us for that!"

"Well clean it up then! If we get rid of the pieces, he'll just think he left it somewhere and go round looking for it. He'll never know." B flipped open the book, unconcerned. He knew full well it was L who was going to get the blame for whatever happened in the kitchen. L groaned, and went to fetch the dustpan and brush. Meanwhile, B began looking for the ingredients.

"Strawberries... ah! Here they are." He yanked the tub of strawberries out of the fridge, spilling several on the floor. He ignored them, placing the box on the table and _accidentally _stepping on a few of the strawberries as he did so. L re-entered, holding the dustpan and brush.

"I've got the... AAHH!" Completely unaware of the spilt strawberries, he had stepped on some of them and slipped up. The dustpan and brush flew out of his hand and soared out of the open window behind him as he slammed down to the ground.

"Ow!" shouted a faint voice. L and B ran to the window, and peeked out. An angry looking Mello was rubbing his head and staring at a dustpan and brush on the floor, perplexed. B and L hurried away from the window before he looked up and spotted them. L tried to ignore the voices coming in through the window.

"Mello? Are you alright? What happened?"

"Do I look alright? A dustpan and brush just came flying out of nowhere and hit me on the head!" B laughed quietly.

"Think you ought to go and apologise, Ryuzaki?"

"No! That was your fault, B! Why didn't you pick those strawberries up?"

"... Mello, are you sure that's what happened?"

"YES! Look, I've got the dustpan and brush right here..."

"I didn't notice I'd spilt them. Never mind, we can clean all that up later. I've got the ingredients out, let's start cooking." B said.

"I'm telling the truth! It came from up there and _hit me on the head!"_

"Why don't we go have a look to see who's up there?" L froze.

"B, they're coming up here!" Even B was worried by that.

"We'd better hide. Mello looked furious, and I don't fancy meeting him in that mood."

The door slammed open and a furious Mello entered the room, followed by Matt.

"No-one here, Mello. Are you sure you weren't just carrying it and slipped up or something?"

"Yes, I'm sure! Maybe it was the next floor up. I'm gonna get whoever did this."

"Yeah, alright." They left the room. L and B breathed a sigh of relief.

"They're gone." B extricated himself from behind the fridge, and smiled. In the hurry to hide, he had ensured that L wasn't going to be comfortable.

"Ryuzaki, you can come out now. They're gone."

"I can't come out on my own! I need some help!" Came a muffled voice. It sounded uncomfortable.

"Really? You mean to say you're _stuck_?" This was getting better and better.

"I'm not stuck! Get me out, B, please!" The voice was starting to sound panicked now. B sighed.

"Alright. I'll let you out." He opened the lid of the huge freezer in the corner. L climbed out, shivering.

"I-I... asked you... to sw- switch... the freezer off before... before I climbed in there," L said, teeth chattering.

"Whoops. I thought I had. Sorry about that. So, shall we begin?" L groaned. They hadn't even begun cooking yet, and already they'd messed everything up. Surely it couldn't get any worse than this?

It did.

"So, we crush up the strawberries then? Alright." B pounded at the strawberries with a potato masher, obviously enjoying himself. Red juice splattered all over the table and all over the floor.

"Slow down a bit! You're getting..." L looked down at his white shirt, now splattered with strawberry juice, and sighed. "B, may I do this bit?"

"Certainly, Ryuzaki. I don't seem to be very good at doing it tidily." B stepped away, also covered in red spatters. Once again, the kitchen was beginning to look like a murder scene, with red liquid dripping from the table and cupboards. L stepped forwards and held the potato masher, trying to crush the strawberries as slowly as he could to minimize the mess.

"I think they're mashed enough now. Now we add the sugar and a bit of water, and then we heat it."

"Alright!" B tipped the entire bag of sugar enthusiastically into the saucepan with the strawberries in. L watched.

"Erm... are you sure we need that much sugar?" He asked reproachfully. He didn't care about how B's jam turned out; rather about the fact that there was now no sugar left for him to eat. This was a stressful situation, and he _needed _sugar.

"It doesn't matter really, does it? OK, now we need to heat it..." B turned the heat up to full, and stirred the liquid. L relaxed slightly. The dangerous part was over.

L swallowed. So much for the "dangerous part". He had forgotten that even once they had finished heating the jam, they still had to pour it into the jam jars. Which, needless to say, B was doing a very messy job of.

"Done!" He called cheerfully. L looked at the worktop. It was covered in pools of still liquid jam.

"Great. Now let's put it in the fridge so it can cool and clear this mess up before anyone finds it."

"Alright." B carefully placed the jam jar in the fridge. Then he stopped. "Ryuzaki... we may have a slight problem."

"What?" L asked suspiciously.

"Well, we can clean the jam up easily. But to get rid of the broken teapot, we'll need a dustpan and brush. And Mello has the dustpan and brush..." They looked at eachother.

"_You're_ going to get it," they both said simultaneously.


	5. Pancakes Part 1

_There's nothing like writing about culinary disasters straight after watching Master Chef... Anyway, because this chapter's so long, I'm splitting it in two _

_..._

B laughed. So what if he had been sent down to reclaim the dustpan and brush from Mello? He had an idea.

"Hey Mello."

"What is it? It had better be important, or you can go away." Mello was still in a bad mood. All the better for the plan.

"Ryuzaki's up in the kitchen and he's offering to teach people to cook. Tell all the others, this is going to be fun."

"What makes you think I want to cook? I've got a massive headache, and Matt thinks I'm imagining things." Mello sulked.

"Well, it might not be the cooking that interests you. I've got something to tell you that I think you will find very interesting..." B leant forwards and whispered in Mello's ear. Mello went red with anger.

"He WHAT? Alright B, you have yourself a deal. I'll get the others. Are you joining in too?" B nodded.

"Make sure you mess things up REALLY bad." B smirked as Mello sped off. Just as he had planned it.

"Oh, and bring the dustpan and brush!" He called after Mello's retreating back.

L mopped up the last of the puddles of liquid jam and threw the stained tissue into the bin. Now all he had to do was wait for B to return with the dustpan and brush, and all the evidence he had entered the kitchen would be removed. Someone opened the kitchen door.

"Finally, B! How long does it take to..." L stopped. It wasn't B.

"Near, what are you doing here?"

"Mello sent me up here. He said something about cooking lessons."

"Wha...?" At this, Matt barged in, knocking Near sideways due to the fact that he was more focussed on his game than where he was going. L frowned.

"Matt, you should pay attention to where you're going."

"Near! Sorry! Are you here for the cooking too?" Matt asked, ignoring L.

"Yes. I assume we'll be beginning when Mello and B arrive?" Near asked L.

"Wait. What exactly..." L began but was interrupted once again by the arrival of Mello and B.

"Hello Ryuzaki. Here's your dustpan and brush." Mello threw the item at L, who barely managed to catch it.

"B! What's all this?" L asked.

"I met Mello on the way to collect the dustpan and brush. I told him we had been cooking, and he seemed eager to have a go. He must have invited all his friends." Mello nodded, smiling.

"I've always wanted to know how to cook." L immediately became suspicious. Since when did Mello want to cook, and since when was Mello friends with Near? He glanced at Near, who shrugged.

"I was told that you were offering to teach us how to cook so I decided that I would like to try."

"But I never said I was offering cooking lessons!" L protested.

"I'm sorry, Ryuzaki. That was probably my fault," said B. "After all, you helped me so I assumed you'd be only too happy to help Mello here... I must have been mistaken."

"No, no, it's fine, it's only..." L trailed off, realising he had just condemned himself to this.

"Alright then, let's get started! What are we cooking today?" B sang happily.

"Umm..."

"Why don't we try pancakes?" Near suggested. "It's easy to make the mixture, and we can each take turns in making them."

"...Yes. Let's make pancakes then." L glared at B. He knew when he was being manipulated. B smiled back.

Mello slammed a recipe book down on the table.

"We don't have any eggs! The recipe says it needs eggs." L looked out of the window. Rain, rain and more rain.

"Well, we could always give the idea up..." he said hopefully. "Unless you would like to go and buy some eggs, Mello?" Mello looked out of the window.

"Matt will go buy some, won't you Matt?"

"What? No."

"Well Near will, in that case." Mello said. Near looked up.

"I would rather avoid getting wet if it's all the same to you, Mello. Anyway, I'm sure Ryuzaki will be happy to go out. After all, he was the one who suggested we learn to cook."

"Now hold on..." L stared at Near. If he didn't know better, he would swear that Near was in on it too!

"That's a good idea. Ryuzaki, will you go and buy us some eggs?"

"But..."

"Thanks, Ryuzaki." L was pushed out of the room by B. He sighed, looking gloomily at the rain. Could this day get any worse?

L regretted thinking that as soon as he returned with the eggs, dripping wet. The first thing he saw when he entered was Mello hurling eggs at Near.

"What are you doing? I thought you said there weren't any eggs!" Mello paused mid throw, only to be smacked in the side of the head with an egg thrown by Near.

"Near? Not you too!" L cried.

"We found these after you went out."

"But why are you throwing them around? You're only making a mess! Why..." L stumbled back as a well aimed egg from B hit him in the stomach.

"B! Why is everyone throwing eggs?"

"It's for your benefit, Ryuzaki. It's horrible weather out there, and we felt so guilty when we found these eggs and realised we'd sent you out for nothing, so we were trying to get rid of them before you came back. Throwing them was the most efficient and fun way."

"But you're making a mess..."

"We were planning to get rid of all these eggs and then clean up before you returned. You were faster than..." There was a loud bang from the corner where Near was standing. L rushed over.

"Not the microwave!" Near turned around.

"Sorry. Mello and B assured me that we would finish and clear up before you returned so I decided to observe how violently an egg would explode when placed..."

"In the microwave," L groaned, opening the door. The inside of the microwave was coated with what looked like, and basically was, scrambled egg. An egg smacked L in the back of the head. L turned round, and to his surprise saw Near aiming an egg at Mello. Even Near was misbehaving!

"Stop! I've come back now! You don't have to get rid of the eggs anymore! I..." L realised nobody was listening to him.

"Listen!" He picked up 4 eggs and threw one each at B, Near, Mello and Matt. They stopped immediately, and stared at him.

"Nice shot, Ryuzaki!" Said B, dripping with egg and smirking. L closed his eyes for a second, trying not to have a nervous breakdown.

"Alright. Now can we please get on with the cooking? We'll clean up the mess later." Everyone agreed. They hadn't had this much fun in ages.

L watched Matt suspiciously. He was doing something with the flour, but what? It certainly didn't look like what he was supposed to be doing with the flour.

"Matt, what are you doing?"

"Ssshh. I'm making a flour bomb."

"What? No, don't!" Too late. Matt hurled the flour bomb at B, who was examining something in the fridge. Something which he dropped when he was hit. Red liquid spilled across the floor, and B turned around, covered in flour.

"Ryuzaki, my jam doesn't seem to have set. Maybe we didn't boil it for long enough?" L just looked at the mess and groaned.

"Are you alright, Ryuzaki? Maybe you would like me to assume control for a moment?"

"No!" L knew that if he allowed B to take control, things would only get worse. Not that he thought they could. That was when there was another bang behind him.

"Near! I said leave the microwave alone!" Near turned around. He was covered in scrambled egg.

"It appears that the shell was propelled so fast by the explosion that it actually managed to penetrate the front of the microwave! Fascinating."

"You mean you broke the microwave?" L stared at the broken microwave.

"I apologise, but when you entered I was watching you, so I missed my first attempt."

"Yes, but... alright Near. You've done your experiment, so let's stay away from the eggs for now, alright?"

"Alright. My curiosity is satisfied now, so I will be able to fully concentrate on the cooking." There was a yell from behind him, and he turned round, dreading what he was going to see. What he saw was B tipping what was still left in his pot of liquid jam over Mello's head.

"B!"

"Yes?"

"... never mind."

L was seriously considering jumping out of the window. Or at least running screaming out of the door. Everyone in the room was covered in raw ingredients, and so were the walls and floor. And the ceiling. Near looked around meditatively.

"You know, if we were to heat this room up there would be a giant pancake covering the walls and floor." Mello laughed, then froze as an idea hit him.

"No." L said firmly.

"You don't know what I was about to ask."

"Well I know enough to know that it's definitely going to be a bad idea. So, no."

"Aww, hear him out Ryuzaki!"

"We could make _chocolate _pancakes!"

"That's not such a bad idea, actually," Near said. "We could melt chocolate in a saucepan and stir it into the mixture."

"What mixture?" L yelled, pointing at the empty bowl. "There _is _no mixture. We have made mess but no mixture."

"There's mixture up there," B pointed out helpfully, indicating the ceiling. L swore under his breath.

"Alright, let's make a deal. If we agree to make the mixture _sensibly,_ with no more _mess_ or _flour bombs _or _exploding eggs _or _egg fights, _then we can try chocolate pancakes. Agreed?" Everyone nodded.


	6. Pancakes Part 2

L had decided that the best way to do this was to avoid placing people in charge of the ingredient they would cause the most trouble with. This meant that Near should not be let close to the eggs, Matt should be kept away from the flour, Mello should not be in charge of the chocolate and he himself should leave the sugar well alone. As for B... well, L knew that trouble was unavoidable with him. It was in no way foolproof, but it would have to do.

"B, you're in charge of measuring the milk. Mello, you weigh the flour. Matt, you get to be in charge of the chocolate. I'll crack the eggs, and Near, you do the sugar. Once you're done, place it in the bowl there."

"Alright!" Mello said happily, smirking. L picked up an egg and approached the bowl, desperately hoping that his second attempt at cracking an egg would be more successful than his first. No such luck. L smashed the first egg on the side of the bowl. The inside dropped neatly onto the table. He sighed and tried again. This time he actually managed to get it in the bowl, along with a fair amount of shell. He left it there. He just didn't care anymore. Now, just one more egg and his part would be done. He lifted the egg and brought it down on the side of the bowl... and the bowl flipped over.

While L's back was turned, Mello was having a conversation with Matt.

"I'll swap. I get to do the chocolate, and you get the flour..."

"Deal!" Matt grinned, handing Mello the chocolate. Mello grinned and took a bite, while Matt began preparing another flour bomb. Meanwhile, B was "measuring" the milk.

"Whoops," he said happily as it sloshed onto the floor. Near dipped a finger into the sugar experimentally.

"This tastes rather good," he commented. "I can see why you like it so much, Ryuzaki." L turned round, horrified.

"Don't eat it!" Then he noticed that Matt and Mello had swapped.

"Mello! Don't eat it! Matt... ah!" The flour bomb hit him in the face, coating his whole head in flour.

"I said no flour bombs! And weren't you meant to be in charge of the chocolate?"

"We swapped."

"Well swap back. Actually, on second thoughts, Mello, give that to me." Mello reluctantly handed him the chocolate. L handed Matt the egg box and gave the flour to Near, removing the sugar from his hands and giving it to Mello. He kept the chocolate for himself.

"No swapping ingredients, alright?"

"Fine," sulked Mello.

"Don't worry, I can cause just as much trouble with a bag of sugar," he muttered when L turned his back. L turned round.

"Sorry?"

"Nothing!" L walked to the saucepan and began breaking chunks off the chocolate. He looked longingly at it. This was stressful, and although it wasn't sugar it was still sweet. Surely a couple of chunks wouldn't matter? He looked around him to check nobody was watching, and broke off a piece.

He raised it to his mouth... and jumped as something cold and wet sloshed across his face.

"B! Watch where you're pouring that milk!"

"Whoops," smirked B. L hastily dropped the chocolate into the saucepan.

"Ryuzaki, there's a hole in this bag of sugar!" L turned round to see Mello waving the bag, spraying sugar everywhere.

"What? There wasn't one before!" L inspected the hole. It looked suspiciously finger-shaped. "Well, just weigh it out before it all spills. Actually, on second thoughts, just put all that in the bowl. That's probably the right amount." Mello dumped the bag in the bowl, not bothering to pour the sugar out. L didn't care enough to correct him. At least, not until Matt had his third (and successful) attempt to crack an egg into the bowl. The egg dripped over the paper of the bag.

"Matt!" L rushed over and extricated the sticky bag from the mixture. Holding it between finger and thumb, L threw it away. Flour spilled over his head.

"Ma..." L stopped as he realised that Matt didn't have the flour anyway so it couldn't have been him. "Near?" He turned round to see Near sprawled on the floor and Mello standing beside him smirking.

"There was no need to trip me up, Mello." Near said. "Now I've spilt flour everywhere."

"I'm sorry, it was an accident." Mello said. "Here, I'll help you up." He offered his hand to Near, who looked suspiciously at it, obviously suspecting a trick. However, Mello surprised everyone by actually helping Near up without any tricks. L suspected that Mello had only tripped Near so that he would spill the flour on him.

"Well, there's not much flour left now so just put the whole bag in. And I mean tip it in and throw the bag away, not just throw in the bag as well." Near obediently tipped the flour into the bowl. L looked. There was now sugar, flour and one egg in the bowl.

"B, tip the milk in." B walked over and sloshed some milk in carelessly, getting anyone standing too close wet.

"Matt, crack the other egg." Matt cracked the egg. It dropped into the bowl, along with a large amount of shell. L ignored this. So, they had the flour, sugar, milk and eggs. What else was there? He knew there was something he had missed, but what?

_Beep beep. Beep beep. _The smoke alarm.

"The chocolate!" He ran to the hob and switched it off. Too late, however. The chocolate had melted and burnt, sticking to the bottom of the pan.

"We haven't got any chocolate left... I'm sorry. It looks like we will have to make regular pancakes."

"Forgive me if I'm wrong, but when making chocolate flavoured things isn't it normal to use cocoa powder rather than actual chocolate? I thought it was a little odd," Near commented. L stared at him.

"Why didn't you tell us this before?"

"I assumed you knew best." L sighed.

"Fine..." he pulled out a pot of cocoa powder from the cupboard and tipped some in the bowl. Someone jogged his arm and he dropped the powder all down his shirt.

"B!"

"Sorry!" L placed the lid on the cocoa powder and put it back in the cupboard.

"Can I trust you to stir while I put the ingredients away?"

"Of course," smirked B. L knew that he couldn't trust them, but it wouldn't make much difference. The kitchen was in a mess anyway, it couldn't get any worse.

Eventually, the mixture was made. L placed a frying pan on the hob and turned the heat up. He poured oil into the pan, and then a small amount of mixture.

"We'll leave that there for a minute, and then someone can have a go at flipping it," he said, knowing he was going to regret saying that. They waited. And waited.

"I think it's ready now," L said finally. "So who wants to..."

"Me!" Yelled B.

"... clean up," L finished, smiling. "Well volunteered, B. You can start by clearing up all that milk you spilt." He handed B the kitchen roll. B stared at it, horrified.

"But..."

"You can flip a pancake once you're finished." B glared at L, but walked off to begin clearing up the milk. L smiled. Maybe this could be controllable after all.

"So who wants to flip this one?"

"I'll have a go," volunteered Near. Mello grabbed the handle of the saucepan and thrust it at Near, rather forcefully. Near dropped it immediately.

"Mello, you just burnt my hand." He walked to the tap and began running it under cold water.

"That was unnecessary, Mello."

"It was an accident, Ryuzaki."

"Well maybe you'd like to flip this pancake then."

"With pleasure." Mello picked the saucepan off the floor, and held it gingerly.

"So, how...?" L shrugged.

"I suppose you just jerk it up and hope for the best." Mello held the pan tightly with both hands, and jerked it up sharply. The pancake flopped slightly. Mello frowned and tried again, harder this time. This time the pancake flipped out of the pan completely and smacked onto the floor. Mello shoved the pan back at L.

"I can't do it. You do it." L poured some more mixture into the pan, and waited until he thought it was done. Then, he picked the pan up and attempted to flip it. The pancake stuck to the bottom of the pan and did nothing. It didn't even twitch.

"Come on!" L muttered. No matter what he did, the pancake just wouldn't budge. He shook the pan up and down, and even turned it upside down. Nothing happened.

"I guess it must be burnt..."

After they had scraped the burnt pancake off the bottom of the pan, it was Matt's turn. He approached the pan, and picked it up.

"Super smash pancake flip!" He thrust the pan upwards enthusiastically. Unfortunately, instead of simply pushing the pan upwards, he also tilted it as if he was about to throw it backwards over his head. And of course, that's exactly where the pancake went. Straight backwards over his head and out of the open window. Matt brought the empty pan back down, and stared at it.

"Where did it go?"

Near's burnt hand had now recovered enough for him to have a go. He held the pan, and stared at the pancake for a couple of seconds.

"Are you sure this will work, Ryuzaki?"

"Just give it a go. This kitchen can't get any messier." Near extended his arm as far as it would go, turned his face away from the pan and tossed it up in the air. The pancake hit the ceiling and stuck there. Near looked at it.

"It seems to be stuck." L looked at the pancake too.

"It will fall down eventually. Let's just leave it there."

B walked over, muttering under his breath about the unfairness of being asked to clear up "gallons of milk". His bad mood intensified when, as he reached the hob, a pancake fell seemingly out of nowhere and landed on his head.

"...what?" he gasped, and tore it off his head. "Where did that come from?" L laughed quietly.

"That was my attempt, B. It stuck to the ceiling." Near said.

"... alright. Is there enough mixture left for me to have a go?"

"There's just enough for you." L poured out the remaining liquid into the pan. Once it was done on the bottom, B picked up the pan, and jerked it sharply into the air. The pancake flew out of the pan, flipped over, and landed on the edge of the pan, half in and half out. Everyone stared at B, shocked.

"I... I did it? Yes! I..." The pancake slipped off the edge of the pan and fell on B's shoes. B scowled.

"Never mind."

So now was the bit that L dreaded. The cleanup.

"Right, we need to get this tidy right away. We can't let anyone see what a mess we've made. Right, Mello, you clean up the..."

"Ahem." L froze, horrified, and turned around slowly. Watari was standing in the doorway, holding a pancake.

"My pancake!" said Matt.

"So then, Ryuzaki. Would you mind explaining exactly what has happened here?" L swallowed.

"Well..."

The End!


End file.
